


Close enough to know my heart beat, but still not close enough for me

by GallantGeekery



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 02:19:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5610232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallantGeekery/pseuds/GallantGeekery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Here's a rough little piece I wrote after seeing The Force Awakens a few times. Like everyone else, I've officially sold my soul to Finn and Poe. Let me know if y'all like this. I might take it farther. Cheers, and happy new year!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Close enough to know my heart beat, but still not close enough for me

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a rough little piece I wrote after seeing The Force Awakens a few times. Like everyone else, I've officially sold my soul to Finn and Poe. Let me know if y'all like this. I might take it farther. Cheers, and happy new year!

Finn sees white when he first opens his eyes. Snow, he realizes after a moment, falling on him in large, icy flakes. When he shifts his view to his side, he can make out spatters of deep red in the white. His blood. He tries to move, but he’s frozen, much like the crystallized water falling from the sky, and each attempt to sit up brings sheer blinding pain and tears to his eyes.

He can’t see Rey, but he knows she’s close. Can hear her grunts and cries as she fights Kylo Ren. Finn tries again to get up to help her, tries desperately to move his body at all, but he can’t. He fears he’s paralyzed, pinned to the ground, and with his spinal injury, he knows that any movement is likely to make it worse.

He’ll die here. He’s sure of it. And as his strength begins to go and his world grows smaller and dimmer and colder, Finn thinks briefly of the many things he will miss by dying here, alone in the snow. He’s only just begun to really live; he knows that now, and it makes dying far harder to do.

He thinks of Rey, of her bright eyes and her glowing smile that he didn’t get to see nearly as much as he would have liked. He zeroes in on the way she looked at him as if he were a hero. He hopes she’ll still think that after he’s gone, hopes she’ll look upon his corpse with as much revelry.

His thoughts move to Han Solo, a man he thought was mere myth, a legend of a man who he’ll soon join in the oblivion.

General Organa. He wishes he could have known her better, this amazing woman who chose to trust and listen to him, despite knowing what he had been. 

BB-8 even crosses his mind. Damn thing was right to distrust him, and yet the droid, like everyone else he’d met along his journey, had given him the second chance he’d hardly deserved.

From BB-8, he drifts to Poe. Poe, Poe, Poe. His mind lingers on the man who first believed in him, who treated him like a person, like an individual and not a manufactured soldier. Poe, who gave him a name and a jacket and a _purpose_. Poe, who saved him and who Finn had saved, too. Poe who proved to him that he _could_ be someone. As Finn breathes what he believes to be his final breath, it’s the image of Poe’s smiling face that he holds onto as the darkness overwhelms him.

* * *

When Finn opens his eyes for the first time during his recovery, it’s only for a moment. He sees a white ceiling and a blinding fluorescent light over his head. He’s aware of someone sitting beside him, can see a figure in his peripheral vision, but when he tries to turn his head and shift to the side, he’s met with a pain so overpowering that it steals every ounce of his energy. He hisses in anguish, closes his eyes, and clenches his fist. Before he has the chance to try to open his eyes again, to utter a word, he’s flooded with a calm numbness. Whatever painkillers they have him on are good. Oh. They are _very_ good. He slips away again, into darkness.

The next time Finn wakes, he feels like a brand new man. He’s still not in perfect shape, but his body isn’t throbbing in constant anguish like it was before, so that’s a definite improvement. He opens his eyes to the white ceiling again, and this time, when he tries to turn to face the figure sitting beside him, his body allows the movement. It’s strained and his back pulls uncomfortably, but it’s bearable. He expects to see Rey by his side, but to his surprise, it’s Poe, asleep in the chair beside his bed. He’s slumped to the side in a position that can’t be comfortable, and Finn wonders how long he’s been sitting there. He starts to wake him, but hesitates. Despite the crook of his neck, the expression on Poe’s face is one Finn’s never seen: peace. Still, Finn is dying for a drink of water, and although he’s quite new at reading social cues, he’s sure that watching someone sleep for an extended period of time is considered creepy in most cultures. He reaches out, winces as his muscles stretch, and gently taps Poe on the arm. Poe doesn’t respond to his touch at all. Finn scoots closer and touches him again. This time, his touch lingers.

“Poe,” he says, his cracked voice coming out as little more than a whisper. “Hey, Poe.”

Poe jolts awake. Shoots straight up in panic mode. Finn pulls his arm away as Poe frantically looks around the room. His eyes settle on Finn and he starts to calm down.

“Hey, buddy,” he says, his breath coming and going again in more regular intervals. “You’re awake. I was starting to think you’d sleep your whole life away.”

Finn glosses over his words. He’s still thinking about the panic in Poe’s eyes. “Are you all right? I didn’t mean to…”

Poe shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “Fine. Been a little jumpy since that bastard Ren took a joyride through my head. Nightmares, panic attacks… the whole shebang.”

“I should have broken you out sooner,” Finn says, without missing a beat.

“Bullshit,” Poe shoots back. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“How long was I out?”

Poe hesitates.

“Come on,” Finn pushes. “I can take it.”

“Two weeks,” Poe says dryly. “You’re lucky to be alive. Not many people take a lightsaber to the back and live to chat about it.”

Finn tries to push himself up in the bed. He winces visibly and Poe practically leaps out of his chair.

“Take it easy, man. How’s your pain level? I can call the nurse. You were on your stomach, but they thought you’d healed enough to put you on your back. Maybe that was wrong. Idiots. I shouldn't have let them do that. I told them that was a bad idea... Here, let me get someone. A doctor,” Poe speaks in one frantic breath.

“No, no, no. Fine. It’s fine. I just need...” Finn’s words trail away as he struggles to sit up. The action is embarrassingly difficult. Poe recognizes his efforts and leans forward to help. His hands are strong on Finn’s shoulders as he gently pulls him up.

“Better?” Poe asks.

“Much. Thank you.” Finn glances around the room and graciously accepts the glass of water Poe hands him. He doesn’t even know where it came from. He’s magical, this pilot. He takes a sip, before a wave of horror hits him. Rey. She isn’t here. She was fighting. Ren. She was fighting Ren and Finn tried to help and, oh god, what if she’d… What if something had happened and Finn hadn’t been strong enough and now…

“Rey,” Finn says, trying to keep the panic in his voice from rising. “Where is Rey?”  
  
“She’s fine,” Poe says quickly. “Perfectly fine. And… she did _want_ to wait for you.”

“She’s gone?”

Poe nods. “She went to find Skywalker. She stopped to say goodbye to you, but…”  
  
“But I was out," Finn says shortly. Bitterly.

Poe seems to sense something beneath Finn’s words. He leans forward. Puts his hand on Finn’s arm. Just for a moment.

“Hey... You probably saved her life, you know that?" Poe says, and Finn is struck by how much he seems to mean it.

Finn scoffs. As if Rey needs saving.

"You helped her, at least," Poe offers. "What you did, attacking Ren like that,” Poe breaks off. Whistles under his breath. “It was so goddamn brave, Finn. Heroic, even."

Finn looks down to where Poe touched his arm. His skin feels hot, in flames, really, but he finds himself longing for the touch again. He looks up at Poe. Poe, who is looking at him with awe and admiration and the kind of look that Finn doesn’t feel like he’ll ever deserve, especially when he's lying useless in a hospital bed, unable to even sit up without help. He doesn't know what to say. He starts to tell Poe that  _he's_ the hero, that he's never really had a friend before and he's so thankful to this man just for sitting beside him, that he wants him to touch him again and he's not sure what that means or why he wants it, but he knows he  _wants_ it, badly. But Finn doesn't say any of that. Instead, he just smirks.

"Hero... Yeah. Yeah, I could get used to that," Finn says, because he can't bear to say anything else.

Poe smiles, bright and warm and illuminating, and for a moment, Finn feels like he's going to pass out again. Poe starts to say something else, starts to take Finn's breath away all over again, he's sure, but a nurse enters the room and cuts the conversation short.

"All right, Dameron," she says, as if the two have been over this many times before. "Out you go. He needs to rest."

Poe stands up and throws a flimsy, sarcastic thumbs up to the woman. He turns and looks down at Finn. "All right, hero. You need to get some rest. Doctor's orders." He starts in the direction of the door.

"Poe," Finn calls after him. Poe turns around. He meets Finn's gaze. "Thank you," Finn says, and he means it just as much as he's ever meant anything in his life.

Poe's smile is more slight this time. Just a quirk of the lip. "You got it, pal," he says casually, like he does this every day. And then he's gone. Opening the door and closing it behind him and leaving Finn something of a wreck.

The nurse hovers around Finn, checking the many machines he's hooked to. "I think he likes you," she mutters under her breath.

"Sorry?" Finn says, perking up.

"Dameron. He's been by your side nonstop. Hasn't even flown in weeks."

"You're kidding."

"I wish I was. He's been unbearable."

This time, it's Finn's turn to smile. He leans back, closes his eyes, and slips into the rest his body so desperately needs.


End file.
